Marital discord. Single parenthood. Alcoholism. Runaway children. American Indian mythology. Political maneuvering. Naval mutiny intrigue. You’re probably thinking that these do not sound like the plot points of a movie with the title MAGMA: Earth’s Molten Core. That’s only because you haven’t seen MAGMA: Earth’s Molten Core. Most people haven’t seen it, in fact. Though made in America over five years ago, the film was never released here and indeed was almost never released anywhere except, I think, for some obscure European countries. Never seen in theaters, never released on DVD and practically unheard of except by the most hardcore of bad movie seekers, MAGMA: Earth’s Molten Core is like a movie that doesn’t exist.

Oh, but it does exist. Why and how are questions that will likely never be answered. Here’s what I can tell you: it has one hell of a pedigree behind it. The film was written by first- (and only-) timer Noel Lawrence (which sounds like a pseudonym if ever there was one) and directed by Dom Magwili, who bad movie survivalists, and Mystery Science Theater 3000 fans, will remember as the writer of Future War, one of the worst movies ever made. It’s cast is made up primarily of veterans of venerable classics like Bikini Hotel, Reptilicant, and GiAnts. Seriously, looking over these people’s IMDb profiles, you’d think they all come as a package deal or something, given how many terrible movies they’ve been in together.

MAGMA: Earth’s Molten Core may actually be the best film any of these people has ever done and that is a sad, hard reality. How they live with it, I do not know. Hell, I don’t even know how I’m going to live with the fact that I’ve seen MAGMA: Earth’s Molten Core, let alone that I hunted the thing down like Indiana Jones hunts down lost artifacts. You people don’t know what kind of dark and terrible deeds one must perform in order to track this movie down. May God forgive me.

MAGMA: Earth’s Molten Core begins as all killer volcano movies should: with a soldier’s Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder flashbacks. Ryan Kristoff was once the captain of a submarine in the US NAVY, but retired after faulty intelligence led him to launch missiles at a hospital full of innocent civilians. This opening sequence sets the tone of the film quite well: The first words spoken in the whole film are the most expository in any movie I can think of, as a Commander Bartlett tells Kristoff “Just as a reminder, Captain, the anti-radar shielding will buy us an extra thirty minutes before being detected”. Isn’t that a wonderful hook to kick off your movie with? And it’s not the least bit clumsy and nonsensical. Things get better from there, as other officers on deck call out conflicting countdown times “Ten minutes before we’re spotted!” “Detection in three minutes!” “We’ll be seen in ten…nine…”. The scene is less than five minutes long, and yet awful editing seems to make hours or days go by in that time, depending on the cut. The scene also sets the bar for the acting in the film, and sets it low. As Kristoff, Jason Johnson is so wooden he may as well be a Sequoia. You have to hear the way this guy barks orders to believe it. Bartlett on the other hand is serving up a big heaping helping of ham, with the most stereotypical tight-ass military man performance in ages. Gritty voice? Check. Constantly yelling? Check. Delighting in killing civilians in the name of American supremacy? Check.

Flash forward to present times, as Ryan snaps awake from the memory of all the people he killed and then proceeds to spend the first act of the movie working out the kinks in his relationship with estranged wife Alexis. Alexis is a vulcanologist who moonlights as science teacher on an Indian reservation. Just go with it. Alexis has custody of their son, John, who’s the obligatory kid who’s always disappointed in his dad. Ryan is the kind of movie dad who’s always promising to do coll stuff with his son, but winds up canceling it for overtime at work or a trip to the bottom of a bottle. This leads us to the cliche scenes of Alexis scolding Ryan for being a jerk, and the inevitable decision by John to run away from home.

Meanwhile, over at the school, Alexis teaches her students all about volcanoes with the help of a local Indian medicine man, Mr. Greyfeather, who spouts off some myth about a proud chief bringing the ire of the spirits in the form of a volcanic eruption. Because, ya know, so many tribes were famous for living near fucking VOLCANOES. I know there are volcanoes in North America, but this movie never establishes where it takes place other than calling the volcano “Mount Diablo” (because Indians spoke Spanish?), and while there is a Mount Diablo in California…IT’S NOT A VOLCANO.

By now we’re half an hour into the movie and nothing has been related to any actual volcano activity. Oh sure, we heard the Diablo legend and Alexis mentioned her friends doing some research up there on the dormant Volcano…but there’s been zero action. Even a godawful piece of tripe like The Core doesn’t take this long to get to the point. We’re spending so much time on Ryan, Alexis, and John that one might begin to wonder if the title of MAGMA: Earth’s Molten Core isn’t just a metaphor for the destruction of their family life.

Things pick up - slowly - from here as Alexis’ friends go missing and John and his friends wind up camping out on the mountain, leading Alexis to discover that there be some activity in dem dere hills. She tries to warn the mayor and even a freaking Senator that Diablo may soon erupt, but they refuse to believe her DESPITE THE EARTHQUAKES AND THE PLUMES OF SMOKE COMING OFF THE MOUNTAIN. After all, it’s Fleet Week in town and we can’t risk losing all that tourist money just because a volcano might erupt and kill everyone. Villainous politicians don’t get any more stereotypical.

It’s about now that MAGMA: Earth’s Molten Core transforms into it’s final form: a stock footage bonanza. Stock footage of lava flows. Stock footage of eruptions. Stock footage of smoke. Stock footage of stock footage. You wouldn’t see this much stock footage if you went to the local TV station and browsed through the stock footage vault. What’s better is the special effects. As Diablo begins to erupt, we’re treated to some of the most hilarious effects this side of Ed Wood movies. The volcano seems to expel cartoon missiles, rather than magma, which strike cartoon helicopters and stock footage of controlled building demolitions. And then there’s the CGI lava rivers and the CGI embers raining down.

Appropriately, as chaos reigns over the town, the editing of this film becomes utterly chaotic. Characters jump from one side of town to the other in a single cut and often don’t wind up where they said they were going (my favorite bit might be when Ryan and his military buddy go to commandeer a helicopter and wind up stealing a nuclear sub). And whenever the effects come into play things turn into an incomprehensible mess. Take, for example, how the mayor seems to be killed by an editing clusterfuck more so than by the stock footage lava flow that supposedly takes him by surprise. The fight scenes in House of the Dead had less frantic cutting than this.

For as boring as the first half of MAGMA: Earth’s Molten Core is, the back half is a hoot and a half. Not only do the crazed edits and hokey CGI inspire laughs, so does the conclusion to the plot. Remember that sub Ryan steals? Well, rather than demanding Ryan’s arrest, the Admiral instead restores him to active duty and orders him to fire upon the volcano. Blowing shit up: the American solution to anything. With Bartlett giving chase against orders, Ryan speeds his old sub towards Diablo and does, indeed, fire upon it. AND IT WORKS. The damn volcano apparently capitulates to the shock and awe campaign. All the while, Alexis has located the kids and is helping them climb down the mountain (including a hilarious bit where she hand-over-hands her way across a rope over a…perfectly clear road. I guess she just wanted to show off her upper body strength?). I was pulling for the ironic ending where they get blown up by Ryan’s missiles and send him even further into his despair, but of course the movie doesn’t give me the satisfaction.

The Quick and Dirty: MAGMA: Earth’s Molten Core is a stupid and very silly B-movie, but only hits it’s stride as unintentional comedy in the second half. People who appreciate cinematic cheese might get a hoot out of it, but anyone else should stay away. And that should be easy since this movie is harder to find than the Holy Grail.